I’ve been trying not to think about this ever since I found out. I’ve been thinking about this non-stop ever since I found out. I can’t lie and say I understand exactly what I’m feeling. I am not even sure if I’m feeling anything. All I know is that there was/is a big difference between the moment I was told and the moment before that.
You know what baffles me? The things I just can’t seem to shake? All these things that seemed like the yellow brick road leading home. The smiles that seemed warmer and more focused on me than any other. The conversations that deserved to be saved and locked away in a special place because they just do not happen everyday. The many times you were an answer to a silent prayer.
It’s the dreams though that seem to haunt me the most. I am not talking about my mind wandering off as I attempt to accomplish some repetitive task. I mean the ones that come to me as I sleep, when I sign out of consciousness and commit myself to the hands of God. They were many and they were lucid.
I have asked, prayed and wondered about them. I have forgotten some only to have them dragged back to the front of my mind by some experience or just out of the blue. The other day, on my evening commute back home, I asked God if they meant anything. I long ago learnt not to dwell too much on them as that would just cause anxiety. However,there was a flicker of hope that maybe , just maybe, there was more to these dreams than just my longing following me to my sleep.
But then I heard those words I have been dreading for years and I can’t help but wonder about all those times.I can’t help but feel sad about those poems,prayers and conversations with trusted friends. I can’t help but wonder about the times I have walked from a relationship beaten and just about to give up only to run into you and feel myself hoping again. So many questions, not even one answer.
But maybe they were all separate, non-connected events. Maybe they were just moments that I needed not think too much on. Maybe, just maybe.