Many times when asked if we’re in love or have ever been in love, we are hesitant to answer because many of us have admitted to not really knowing what love is. You think about that person you had really strong feelings for but they did not reciprocate and wonder if it was love. I mean, is it still love if it’s only you who felt it? You remember the relationship you had where you argued a lot and although you can’t say you couldn’t live without them, you kind of enjoyed the company and missed them quite a bit when they were gone. You wonder if you’ve ever known what love is, then there are those you never told…
I am no exception.
Strangely, I believe there is only one love. I don’t think romantic love and the way you love your kids or your parents are different at the core. Maybe some of the expression may vary but it remains the same.
But quite recently, I kind of fell in love or I acknowledged the love that was in my heart. These are two of my favourite boys in the world.
This is what happens when I am with them, see them or look at pictures of them. I have these knots in my heart that make me rub my chest. I find myself constantly smiling and marveling at the wonderful little people they are. It is like everything they are is worth celebrating. I love to spend time with them. I worry for them sometimes, I see things I think they might like and I just have to get it for them, I am sad when they are sad. I want to protect them from everything. I just want to make the world perfect for them.
About a month back, these my nephews , were brought to our home for the weekend, one night , two days. Lord, was it exhausting! They came along with my niece, the most wonderful 5 year old girl you’ll ever meet. So we had to entertain, feed, bathe, give company, play with all three. Their parents picked them up on Sunday evening. I did feel some sort of relief after I had waved them off. After they had gone out of my sight, it occurred to me that our home now felt too quiet and empty. I wanted these noisy tiring bunnies back. I remember feeling such a longing in my chest for them, I missed their silly stories, I missed cuddling with the baby and working hard to make him smile which wasn’t all that hard because he loves to smile. I love it when they see me and their faces light up as they say Auntie. I love that moment of realizing that maybe even the baby does remember my face and associates it with love.
Yesterday, I went to see my Aunt and my 4 going on 5 year old cousin. It was beautiful. He is just too adorable. I can’t believe he says half the things he says. I mean, hold up little man, when did you learn those words or to express yourself like that? Imagine having a discussion or disagreement with someone 20 years your junior. Those things floor me. I saw him trying to show off for me. I was excited when he came running and jumped into my arms for a hug. I smiled as I heard him announce to his mother that I had arrived. It gave me warmth all over. I’m grinning like a cat just remembering it.
I cannot really boast of having been in some love filled relationships where someone else totally and completely owned my heart. I have never been in a relationship so serious that I thought, maybe this is the man I’ll say yes to. I have had a few of those where I’m totally smitten but the other party is just not feeling my vibe. Then I’ve had this. The love of children. How, after such beauty and agony all mixed in one bowl, do I say, I don’t know what love is or that I have never been in love?
I see these children and of course I want to see them for the rest of my life. I sit, talking to them and I wonder if there isn’t a way we can meet each other half way. I sit there thinking of ways, I can give to them, the world. I pray for them, in my secret moments, sometimes on my way to work in the mornings when it is still dark outside, I remember a message about a visit to the hospital and I beseech God to please perfect their being. I wonder if my prayers are enough and I just cling onto God’s goodness. I have known love and it is magical!