Whispers in the dark

There is something different about being in a dark room all by yourself. This kind of silence does not happen often. The kind that forces you to listen, to yourself. What am I thinking about? My mother’s smile. She smiles at me when I come home as if we weren’t just together last night and in the morning. That makes me glad. I have all these thoughts, perceptions of how I think she ought to be feeling at a time like this. I want to make it better for her. I want to make it better for her. So I come home early just to be around her, maybe something that I can do will come up. We work together, we peel, discuss and plan for meals and just be in the kitchen together. She carries an aura of peace that I swear is supernatural! I go to her seeking to comfort, too aware of my limitations and I find comfort instead. I find myself wondering how this remains possible even after all these years. I am grateful that our relationship has evolved, from just care taker who defended me fiercely, I was a weird child, to friend. She still cares for me, my mama still cares for me.

Can I do this? I am left wondering, this mothering thing.I have been learning quite a lot about love and relationships this past year. I have been in situations that have exposed my insecurities and my pride and also how dearly I held onto them. Selfless love, for a child, it never ends. Usually the toughest relationships in our lives are those in our households. Probably because, the ones we love greatly, are the ones we expect more from…

Just a few minutes back, I was praying; praying grace over my family, starting with me. That our house may be filled with grace not just from God, but from one to another. Lord begin with me. I prayed peace. I love this family and I refuse to run from the hard parts. Relationships are work but they are worthy work. I am learning how to rest even as I learn to love with the love of God,drawing from Him, day by day, moment by moment. Being in the dark is strange, you hear a lot. I should do this more often.

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