“Campus will be awesome” “You don’t even have to read that much” “You only have to read for that semester”
So many people said; but why? Why do people say such things? Maybe it is to keep hope alive, to keep us striving for what we percieve to be better. Otherwise if we knew what was at the end, we might start looking for an answer to that question “If not school, then what?” Perhaps some actually believe what they are saying. They just forget to tell us that these are merely opinions, very subjective and not gospel truth.
There I was, with a course I had no idea about, in a University I was not that crazy about. It felt like P.1 all over again, this decision was not discussed with me and everything familiar in the form of friends and family was far from me. This time the classes were smaller but not any friendlier. I had spent years learning how to hide from the questioning gaze of teachers. If they didn’t see me, then they didn’t give me an opportunity to prove to myself and everyone else that I did not know, I was no longer the answer master. I mastered up all my optimism and tried to look forward to class. Never mind that the lecturers rarely showed up and when they did taught in what seemed like greek to me and only to me. Hmmm..and I have 4 years of this? That was quite frightening.
I soon discovered that this time round, I had to put some effort into making friends. I had learnt earlier what discusiions meant and what reading for exams really is about. I spent a big chunk of my time trying to decide if I wanted to do this for the rest of my life. There was always the promise that the practice was much much better than the study. Worry not that all these things look strange, when you have to, you will know. I kept on. Unfortunately, there was such a thing as internship/Industrial training; which gave me a glimpse into the future. My heart broke, I was horrified, it couldn’t be; and this was it! There were no more chances for me to choose what I wanted, or so I thought. I felt imprisoned and tried to resign to my fate. I tried not to try and have what I want but rather want what I had. It worked on some days, only on the good days, the days where people actually sounded like they were speaking a language I understood, on the days the marks agreed with me.
But; there were other days. Days, I dared to listen to my heart, days I kind of stumbled onto things that lit fires within my soul, somehow found things I was kind of good at. When I wasn’t trying my best to accept my situation, I was desperately weighing my options, wondering if I had options. Again with the questions, “if not this, then what?” “How do I walk away after 4 years?” “How do I explain it to the stakeholders?”
I do not know when it was that I made some kind of decision but after school, I picked a route and started walking. I made a decision. I chose. It hasn’t been without its bumps though. We are supposed to be faithful at school, graduate, find jobs, get married and live happily ever after owning lots and lots of things; or so we are told, or we are led to believe.
No one really tells you that there is work you will do that you will not get paid for. That for sometime you might have a job but not be able to afford anything except going back to that very job. You might have to borrow money from your parents and/or your siblings and feel embarassed about it. You might stay at home for some good time and learn to humble yourself to curfew and giving details of your where abouts. You might not have the perfect relationship and dates every weekend. Infact, your weekends might be spent catching up on laundry and watching TV.
I took a step and walked away from what I was sure I did not want, not really sure where I was headed and how it would play out(still not). I still fall at God’s feet and lay my heart and soul bare, hoping, believing and knowing, He knows what is going on and He’s in it; sometimes, just like in S.6, it is accompanied by tears but other time, peace and contentment.
No one really tells you the truth about life. It is rarely as bad/good as they say, sometimes it is worse/better; and it is all subjective. Maybe they just do not have the time, some don’t really mean to lie. It is just that no one can tell you the truth about your path. No one has walked your path for you. You have to experience it your self. Many have chosen the route of uncertain dream chasing; living from your heart kind of life and yet they can not be like you. I guess truth is something that is not just told, it must be lived