Something happened with the under sea cables of my mobile internet service providers and my mobile internet went off. Now this meant that I actually had to start paying to use the internet and I could only use it at specific hours of the day, key word here being day. No more falling asleep while writing poetic notes on face book about my day pretending I was just having a “creative moment”. Now, I would never in my right mind use the word addict in reference to myself, but I really missed face book. Life felt weird without my usual communication with my friends and my daily fix of anonymously visiting some people’s walls/timelines. Yes, I at times have stalker-ish tendencies.
Seeing as this had already happened, I decided to take some time off face book and seek God or rather find myself in God once again. Day 1 wasn’t so bad. Hey, I even managed to fast!!!! I honestly hadn’t done that in a really long while. Some of the other things I was taking a break from included going out dancing, stressing about my writing, some members of a certain species… et. c. In other words, almost anything fun. “Why would anyone do that?” you may ask. Simple. It had stopped being fun. It almost felt meaningless and it was all taking from me without giving to me, I was drained. “..empty bliss is the deepest form of emptiness..” a friend whose work I admire once wrote. It had become empty bliss! The first week was all good but just like any addict knows, these things are not easy to walk away from especially if you had never realized or accepted how far deep you had fallen. I had fallen deep, really deep.
Since I had taken time off to date God, this was all about Him; or so I kept telling myself and my many friends (I needed accountability). So I start missing everything I had decided to rest from. Rephrase, these things started to pursue me. Every where I turned I was presented with an effortless opportunity to break my vow. I wonder if marriage is like that, the moment you say I do, all the vultures come out! Anyway, so back to the pursuit. I didn’t want to run. These things were offering themselves to ME!!!! I mean that doesn’t happen everyday. On one of my numerous dates with my beloved father God, I had a light bulb moment.
“Face book isn’t really bad for me;” I started “I’ve signed up for almost all the preachers and pages that post scriptures so I actually have the word before me all the time.”
“I am able to find out how my friends who are far are and I can even pray for them” I continued “my relationships are dying. Besides I used to post scriptures and write notes about your love and salvation. Most of my friends aren’t even saved but I am quite sure they read those notes. I would share links from my blog that just had word”
Now, by this time, I was also convinced about what I was saying. Truly convinced that without face book, my spiritual life was deteriorating.
Having made my point about fb heard and being convinced I’d sold it and sold it well, I progressed to writing. You see, I was supposed to be on a writing break. I was even supposed to stop reading other peoples’ work. But then, I had been invited for a poetry recital.
“I have never been to one of these” I reasoned “and there is someone whose performance I’ve heard a lot of and really want to see what the fuss is all about” (in all honesty, I did want to see what all the fuss was about “his delivery of lines”) It was to be a one time thing anyway.
I moved swiftly on to the next item on my list, arguing its case as well. This was tricky because…it was really tricky. It was about some members of a certain species that for lack of better words have a tendency to “make my heart beat faster”. At first, there was one, then it was two, then it was three, then it became two again but sometimes it goes back to one and not always the same one. I told you it was tricky. The negotiation wasn’t so much “should I talk to them?” but more of “how should I reply this message? The way I want to or the most sensible way that will not encourage anything (the non-fun way)?” it wasn’t “should I see him?” but more of “so if he really means nothing, how come even without thinking of this person, I manage to dream about him every other day” yes, every other day!
“He is lost, he seems to be hurting, I just want to love him to Jesus” I said of one “how will I tell him of your love if I exorcise him, I need to speak to him”
“You keep making our paths cross” I said of the other one “and even when they don’t, I see him in my dreams even when I distinctly made it clear that I want it to stop. It is not my fault that he is on my mind then. Are you sure you are not trying to tell me something?”
All along, in all situations, I knew the answer. I was just hoping that maybe God would change it. Its not as if He was forcing me to do anything, Wisdom simply wanted what is best for me and wanted me to trust Him for it, His timing, and His way.
Ruined by the society I live in and my own fallen-ness, I thought maybe just maybe if I could find some leverage, I could do some arm twisting, get God to secretly open his palm for me to place my worthless bribe!!!!!