My Persis

My Persis. I have been thinking about the possessiveness of such statements. In fact the other day I was talking to God about it and I found that I get so much joy in saying “MY father” “MY Jesus” . It’s not possessiveness per se. It’s belonging. It’s intimacy. It’s pride. I want to show you off to the world.

My Persis…

You bring such joy to my heart. You are the softest hug I have ever received in my life. You are also the most communicative hug I have ever received. Time slows down when I am speaking to you, it’s as if you will it to slow down. Thank you for being present.

There’s this thing you do where you give everything you have without regard for yourself. It’s a beautiful thing, to have no regard for yourself.

“You are your Father’s responsibility”

You have no idea the number of people I have repeated this to after hearing it from you; and boy do you live it! Of course you have no regard for yourself, there’s someone else who’s responsibility it is to look after you. Thank you for stretching the boundaries. Thank you for sharing those experiences and in a way inviting us to do the same with our Father.

I’ve been learning that God loves us passionately and that He pursues us! That sometimes He will desire to sit with us in silence and just enjoy our company. That when we show up for a date with Him, He’s happy to see us. I love that! God is always happy to see you. God is always delighted to hear from you. God actually likes you and every little thing that you are amuses Him. Persis, Mukama omusanyusa 🙂

There’s not an aspect of your life that He’s not concerned about. There’s not an area you can’t trust Him with. Persis, even the parts you’ve pushed so far back to that part of your mind even your brain forgets about, your Father knows. He loves you intimately. He holds you close and when you show up, His heart sings , “My Persis”

I pray for you. I pray that you shall embrace this love. I pray that you will receive revelation of its breadth, depth, height and any other unit of measurement it has. Lol. I pray that as you experience more of this love, you will grow in boldness. May you shout about this love from rooftops to crowds. May you sing about it in lullabies to babies. May you poeticise  it in your books which I am eager to read.

Your life is a testament of this love. Your life is an epistle from Him to us and to yourself. Isn’t God funny though? That He can give you to yourself as a gift? God, by the way, is so much fun. Enjoy Him. Discover Him. Enjoy yourself. You are God’s gift to yourself. You are also God’s gift to me. I appreciate you My Persis. I love you but more importantly God loves you.

 

Advertisements

Lover lover

Do you ever see God as a lover?

Pillow talking, neck kissing, can’t wait to get out of here with you lover

When I wrote Kisses on the neck , I was just from a fellowship. I had just discovered Pompi’s No Rent and I was singing it to God non stop.

Sometimes prayer feels like pillow talking. Naked, unashamed, you’ve already seen it all, no point in hiding kind of naked. But also, freedom, I love that you are delighted in me, I delight in you and I am neither afraid nor ashamed of my desire naked. But also, comfortable, secure, I have nothing to fear with you naked.

So, sometimes we lay there, legs intertwined, head on chest or just lying next to each other, happy and speak with the honesty that comes with late nights and happy hearts. We giggle about seemingly silly thoughts that not even my closest may be able to handle without doubting my sanity.

We speak about big dreams that are both exciting and scary. Mostly so because of the person I will have to become to get there. He pulls me closer to Himself and says ,I’m here. I’ll be there. He kisses my forehead because He knows it warms my heart and shatters my walls.

Sometimes we talk about past hurts and I admit some things for the first time even to myself. He says, show me where it hurts. I point to my chest. He places butterfly kisses. One for every tear I tell Him about. He kisses my neck and I giggle. He whispers things, His breath on my ear is ticklish, I am laughing now. I don’t remember why I ever cried.

He comes face to face, holding his weight above my body and smiles. I smile back. I am my beloved’s and He is mine.

Conversating

You like Broken things.

What makes you say that? and what do you even mean?

You’re a poet, aren’t you?

Yes, kind of. What does that have to do with anything?

I know your kind. I used to be like you. Being fascinated with pain and brokenness. I’m not broken , you know.

I didn’t say you were.

I’m not. I was just disappointed but I’m not broken.

I never said you were.

In a perfect fairytale, these conversations are had while watching stars.

Why? this fancy restaurant with other people’s chatter isn’t romantic enough for you?

She chuckled. You know what I mean.

The service is nice and they even charge your phone for you.

We used to come here.

I know, I saw you.

You did?

No, but I didn’t want to have an awkward silence.

You’re silly.

Thank you.

Forgive my cheesiness mr poet but I’m not ready to do anything but hurt you.

Ouch! Thanks for the heads up and I bruise pretty easily.

I’m serious.

Why?

Why what?

Why are you serious about hurting me?

She smiled. Not sure I can see anything through at the moment.

You make it sound like a corruption probe comittee.

Isn’t all of life though? Just constantly finding out how badly we hurt ourselves when we fell?

Now, who’s the poet?

You know what I mean. It’s a constant uncovering of all the ways we can hurt.

Surely other things happen in life!

They are interrupted by the pain.

That is sad.

Life is sad.

No, it is sad that you have let some events sour you. I guarantee you that milkshake is not just a distraction from pain. I saw your face as you took the first sip.

I love food.

Well, there’s something to be excited about.

You’re interesting.

I hope this is a good interesting.

She nodded. But you have bad timing.

You’re not allowed out at night?

Haha. Do you give up?

Not often.

So what are we doing here?

Conversating.

That’s not a word.

Lil Wayne says it is.

LXXX

“Why don’t you care?

“About?”

“Everything!” He said sounding exasperated, “you don’t seem to have a care in the world”

“Well…” she said, “I am quite deliberate about casting my cares away”

This wasn’t the first time she was receiving this kind of reaction. However, it was only in recent weeks that she had started to not mind it. She had, in a way started to understand it. To accept it.

Two months earlier something had happened that had rocked her world, and not in a good way. Like one of her friends put it, it felt like the carpet had been pulled from under her. The floor had caved in and she was left in free fall for days. Weeks.

“I’ve learnt,” she started, “I’m learning to accept imperfections. Of late, I have been faced with what I thought was the worst version of me and it nearly broke me.”

She paused to clear her throat. Even though some time had passed, she still got a little emotional just thinking about it.

“Listen, you can’t control everything. Worrying is assuming that you can and fearing that you shall somehow fail. Usually it is after failing so badly and finding that you are still breathing that we usually learn to release these things. It may seem silly and maybe it’s hard for us to take it seriously because it was popularized by a meme; however I find ‘but did you die?’ to be a very good question.”

She felt some relief as the frown lines on his face started to disappear. She had been where he was and definitely understood where he was coming from. She was grateful that she was learning to embrace imperfection, especially with herself. She had been the text book good girl. She was always working hard to be on the right side of everything. She wasn’t very successful at it because there were situations where by virtue of who she was as a human being, she was on the wrong side of things. She had spent many years being afraid, embarrassed and letting it all stress her out.

Over time that was the definition of her relationship with God. Acceptance. God drew her out of her shells, which were plenty and constantly encouraged her to celebrate herself. It had been a journey. Sometimes she forgot how far she’d come. Most recently in the midst of the turmoil she had been experiencing, she realized that she had become more comfortable with being imperfect and being known to be so. It’s not something she felt the need to hide. Yes, some days her vanish was chipped, her haircut was bad, her jeans didn’t fit well, she mispronounced words, she wasn’t called back for her dream job, she left dirty dishes in the sink, she was self-righteous, she wasn’t there for her friends, she told lies, she procrastinated, she had a past and she was broke. So what?

“But how do you do it?” He asked, she could hear the suppressed plea in his voice.

“Surrender,” she smiled, ” Look to God every day. Remind yourself of His promises. Lean into Him. Tell Him your fears. Tell Him when you are embarrassed. When you are worried, when you are sad, when you are disappointed, when you are angry. Get naked before him.” They both laughed at the last one.

“Seriously though” she said, “Listen to Him and choose to believe Him. If He says you’re the shit! Believe it! If He says you so dope, walk like you so dope. I am extra about believing God because many days it’s the deciding factor between tears and laughter. Remind yourself of His goodness and His faithfulness.”

Often times we do not realise what is happening to us as it is happening. Very few people can tell you with much confidence that they noticed themselves getting bitter or stronger. Most of us only realise when we are at the end. Being the type of person who was extremely self-aware and who also wouldn’t stop bugging God about everything, she was learning to live more in the present. She was learning to confront what was happening to her and in her instead of ignoring or running away like she had always done.

Nevertheless, she felt like her biggest victory was learning to celebrate herself, to be comfortable with her imperfections. Not just because she found people who accepted them, in fact even when she encountered people who rejected her based on said imperfections, she was learning to be okay with that.

Earth Benders and Wall Climbers

Do you know what is worse than finding out your favourite book is going to be turned into a movie? Finding out that your favourite animation will have a movie adaptation.

A couple of years back, it must have been around 2007 0r 2008 a company called GTV brought affordable satellite tv to Uganda. Prior to that it was only Mnet and DSTV I believe. In those days, my sister and little brother chanced upon the amazing Nickelodeon and Avator: The last air bender. We watched it religiously.The company went out of business without warning and we were back to boredom after tasting beauty. However we discovered people like Eddie Soft and Roshan zone and we were re-united.

I have not watched the movie adaptation of Avator : The Last Air bender up to this day. I loved the original too much.

Avatar-the-last-airbender-hogwarts
Image Source: Google

I have often debated with myself and with friends which kingdom is the most powerful or at the biggest advantage. I mean I love the Avator and the endless things he can do as long as he has a little air. Then there’s water bending which can even grow to blood bending and  then there’s the fire nation, getting their power from the sun. Recently though, I have been more fascinated by the earth benders. They are to me, some of the most interesting to watch. Their skill seems to be both defensive and offensive However, it does come off as a lot more defensive especially for the one who hasn’t yet mastered it.

The little girl a.k.a The blind bandit who introduces the earth bending in book three (I think) mostly uses it to protect herself. The only way to get to someone behind a boulder is to either break through it or climb over the wall. However, with each wall you overcome, usually a new one is raised, most often a higher or bigger wall. You can not get to an earth bender who doesn’t want to be found. 😀

ade
Image Source: Google

Chris Brown (The Hollywood guy not Elevation Church’s worship leader…hehe) , has a song called Wall to wall. He released it in those days when he was still new on the scene and greatly loved. He’s still greatly loved by some, others kind of moved on upon finding out he’s in the habit of beating his girlfriends and threatening them to the point of them getting restraining orders. Henewe…

In the video,( I don’t really remember what the song is about,)  Chris and his dancers seem to be jumping from wall to wall chasing this girl’s love. It’s been a while since I watched it and hence very possible that I misinterpreted the song altogether. 🙂

Some of us are skilled earth benders, putting up wall after wall to keep others out. It’s a defence mechanism. If they don’t get to you, then they can not and will not hurt you. It does seem to me however, that these walls keep the love out too. So many people can want to love you but you will not be able to experience that love unless you let them. Not even God.

Some people will try though, they will train for sometime so that they have enough strength to break through your walls. They will go to that rock climbing thing you find in fancy gyms …hehe…to improve their wall climbing skills. Wall climbing is not like tree climbing so even childhood experiences do not help here. But if you don’t let them…

Anyway, me thinks, you have a big say in whether you experience love or not. Even from God.

And to the people having to climb wall after wall, I pray for you strength and patience. Sometimes, us skilled earth benders just need a little more time. We want the love. We are just afraid.

 

Papa

I googled my father’s name a few minutes back. I’m not sure what it is I was hoping to find. Maybe an essay written by him or about him. I thought maybe I could come across some pictures and just stare at the face of the man I last saw and interacted with in 1999.

I hardly remember the sound of my father’s voice. I was nine when he passed away. I remember his face. I look a lot like my father. My mother tells me so. I can see it especially as I grow older. I have pictures of him. I miss my father.

The past couple of months haven’t been anything I would ever choose for myself or for anyone. I like to be in control of my life. I like to know what is happening so that I can choose. I hate it when things happen to me that make me feel so out of control. I haven’t felt like I have a handle on my life for a very long time. I miss my dad.

Last night I was talking to God and realised that I was very specific about who I was talking to. I said, ” God, I need you . I need you to just come and make everything okay.” Then it hit me that I was very deliberately referring to God , the father. Not Jesus. Not the Holy Spirit. God the father. When I told Him that I needed Him, I meant that I want my father. He’s the only father I have and right now, I really could use a father.

In my mind, fathers represent strength and protection. My dad, the one whose physical DNA I carry, always made me feel so safe. However, the thing I remember the most is that he made me feel accepted. I don’t know why but from early on in life, I felt like I was weird. Like, there was a certain way I should be and I wasn’t that way. However, with my dad, that feeling went away. It was almost like, he didn’t see that. I felt very loved and accepted by my father.

Truth be told, I don’t have that many memories of my father. Sometimes, I miss all that could have been. I miss the relationship I could have had with him as an adult. I imagine that maybe , even at this age, I would still feel very accepted by my father. I fell asleep to thoughts of my father last night. I fell asleep smiling. I knew him for a short while and it was all beautiful.

This is my first time writing in a while. I haven’t wanted to. I would just stare at my screen and then shut down. I had the words. I would just lose the interest as soon as I looked at the screen. Pain is a very selfish thing. It calls all attention to self, don’t you even dare look away. It can also be an overwhelming thing.

God, I need you. God, I need you to come and make everything al right. I need you to remind me that I am fully loved and accepted always, regardless. I need you to lead me back home. I am feeling quite lost.