August 2017

I almost cut my jeans today. I had it all planned out. You see, I have this theory when it comes to clothes. If you don’t want to wear it, get rid of it. The jeans are quite old. They don’t fit well anymore and any time I have worn them in the past year has been an entire day of regrets and being self-conscious.

I looked for the scissors and set about cutting them into shorts. That way, I can only wear them at home, to do things like laundry. I was going to cut them and then write a blog post about letting go of old things and giving yourself space for the new. Except I didn’t. When I got the scissors, I remembered I was due to go to the tailor to re-adjust some skirts and wondered if I couldn’t do the same for my jeans as well.

I was supposed to come and talk about how it is okay to release things. It is the beginning of a new month and probably the best time to let go of certain things.

However, it’s okay if it’s the beginning of yet another month and you are not ready to let go just yet. It’s okay if a relationship ended and you are yet to change your whatsapp wall paper from a picture of the two of you to…what do you even change to? It’s okay if you are not ready to decide whether you should return or burn all the letters you ever received from the other person. It’s okay if you are not yet ready to decide how you want to pray about this. Just because it’s the beginning of a day or a week or a month or a year or a new age does not mean everything else in your life has to be ready.

Today I stayed home most of the day. I did my laundry. I actually just washed two pairs of bed sheets. I scrubbed the bathroom. I decided on and tried out an outfit for a dinner I have on Saturday. I removed from the line and ironed previously washed bed sheets. I made my bed. I spent an evening with two friends drinking wine, eating ice-cream and talking about life and then I came home and I changed my whatsapp wallpaper.

I don’t know if anyone ever knows when they’ll be ready. I guess the most we can do is hope to be ready by a certain time. You can work towards being ready if it’s an exam or a tournament you’re preparing for. However, I don’t know if anyone ever knows beforehand when they’ll be ready to let go.

I guess I just came here to tell you that it’s okay. Take time. Think the thoughts. Feel the feels.

Joel  told me last week, “Sometimes we need lemonade. Yes. I mean Beyoncé . To go through it all. To feel the anger. The pain. The loss. To want retribution. To come to a final place where Jesus and only Jesus can take the wheel”

 

Advertisements

Bandaids

What are you thinking about?

How past trauma constantly gets in the way of living in the moment. I mean I should just be here, right now. I should kiss you slow, passionately and with abandon.

You’re not here?

I am

But?

But…I’m stuck trying to choose between just laying my head on your chest ,simply enjoying having my body wrapped up in yours ,kissing you and…

…tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

You’re holding back

…because I don’t want there to be much of a difference between the days I get to kiss you and the days I don’t. I want to enjoy it to the very core of my being yet walk away as easily. I don’t know how to do that.

I’m not dying tomorrow.

Yeah, but this might.

The Friendship Factor

A man who has friends must himself be friendly,
But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 18:24 NKJV

I think one of my favourite things about life generally is the gift that is friendship. True, genuine,I’m here for all your seasons kind of friendship. I desire it. I treasure it. I honour it.

This morning I was thinking about this thing of friendship and these are my reasons for wanting it so much. Friends are a place for grace, they get you. Friends are the ones who come and ask you “what’s up?” in the private chat after you totally lost in the group chat… lol. Friends are the ones who keep wanting to believe the best about you even when you are at your worst. Friends help you remember who you are when you have forgotten. Friends help you find your way back home when you get lost. Friends give to you. Friends receive from you. Friends laugh with you (and sometimes at you…lol). Friends cry with you. Friends hope with you, sometimes they hope for you when you just can’t find it. Friends celebrate with you. Friends let you know if your clothes aren’t fit for the function (or at-least they should…hehe). Friends and friendship really are the spice of life. The mchuzi mix on this journey of ours.

A while back , God went and told someone that I am His friend. I kept wondering, “What does that even mean?” . So I asked myself who else the Lord called friend and I got Moses. That started my journey studying the book of Exodus which I just finished reading about three days ago.

“The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend” Exodus 33:11a NIV

You know what is really amazing about Moses’ relationship with God? It seems like He’s the only one who had it, at least at that time , in that camp. God told him things before they happened and as such Moses is rarely if ever seen to fret and worry. Moses also had the Lord’s ear. In the verses after this, Moses asks God to show him His face and the Lord responds to him. This might be my favourite conversation in the bible at the moment. The tenderness, humility and friendship in that moment is mind boggling for me. Moses also cared what other people thought about God. Can you imagine that? Moses cared about God’s reputation.

I have had and lost some friends in this short life I have lived. For some, life and space has separated us. A few of them have died. However, I am yet to experience a friendship better than the friendship I have found in and with God. I won’t lie to you that I know everything the bible says or that I have all the answers but this one thing I know and I am persuaded of. The God of the Universe is very friendly to me. He’s my best friend. I only know how to be a friend by watching how He deals with me. He calls me friend. Imagine that!

Trust Exercises

I prefer the silence and the darkness
I prefer it when I’m asleep and memory has little to do with anything
I prefer when your voice is loud
I prefer when your voice is all I hear
I prefer you

I spent the day sharing about your goodness
Enjoying it and wondering why you love me so
But before I slept you knocked on a door
You asked that I let you in
And I responded with tears and trembling
Proof that even though I wish otherwise
I have been keeping you out

I believe you and I don’t
I’m desperate to believe you always
You said Yes and Amen
Yes and Amen
It resounds in my Spirit
and calls out to me as I sleep
Yes and Amen

So now I hide under your wings
Where healing resides
You cover me and protect me
You are my strength and my hope.
Yes and Amen
You don’t lie.

grayscale photo of man woman and child
Photo by Kristin De Soto on Pexels.com

 

Write new things

One of my favourite books ever is Francine Rivers’ Redeeming Love. I never tire of reading it. I see something new every time I go back to it. God in His great wisdom and amazing love gave it to me for my birthday this year 🙂 . It’s a story of love, romance , pain , healing ,restoration and seemingly unforgivable wrongs.

“In that day,” declares the Lord,
    “you will call me ‘my husband’;
    you will no longer call me ‘my master.’
I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
    no longer will their names be invoked.”

Hosea 2:16-17 NIV

I have a love- hate relationship with social media especially Twitter and Facebook. There are days I absolutely love it. There are days I want de-activate all my accounts…lol. I need it for work and some passion projects. So, on these days, I make sure I stay off the general timeline. I stay in my mentions meaning unless you call me out, I won’t see your things. Same goes for Facebook, I stick to my timeline and read things that I have posted. I have been doing that a lot with this blog too. Logging in to simply read things I have written before and not always interested in writing new things. It has mostly been because I have felt that I still lived there, that place from which I wrote the things that I am reading or at least wishing I lived there.

“God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
    Expect love, love, and more love!
And so now I’ll start over with you and build you up again,
    dear virgin Israel.”

Jeremiah 31:3 MSG

Starting over. This is not really one of my favourite things to do. I have been to only four schools. My nursery school, one primary school, one secondary school and one University. I am pretty content with consistency. I like to plan. I like to know what to expect. I like familiar spaces, experiences and people. Alas! In comes Jesus 🙂 , the most consistent yet dynamic relationship I have ever been in. I can trust in His steadfastness yet I don’t always know what it will look like. He finds me in Egypt and speaks to me of Canaan and doesn’t really give me details of the wilderness.

Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19 NKJV

I found this portion of scripture shared by me in a post I wrote on Facebook about a month back. it was a post about a movie I love called Faith Like potatoes. I have been spending some time in the book of Exodus and do you know what I am learning? God is very good at doing new things. Things you could never have imagined, things that will blow you away.

What am I saying? I’m not sure I know anymore…lol, do you?

Allow yourself to write new things.

 

Never enough – Archives

My error was in thinking my love could heal your wounds
However deep it ran, my love was lacking from the get go
Kisses and hugs on rainy days
Did not stop the storm within your soul
That had been raging for years
Convincing you that you were not worth loving
That you were not al ready abundantly loved
Mine was not the voice you needed to hear
My words were not the ones you needed to believe
I see it now
After
Endless tears
Nights of chests caving in
Fighting for breath
Holding on to sanity
Feeling a great loss
I see it now
I interrupted your healing.
I pray you are well friend…
I asked as we slept
But your face turned to the ground
and your answer didn’t come
You will be well friend
Mine were not the hugs you needed
My love was never going to be enough